The Handyman
by Sketty24
Summary: When an adult video containing a familiar face is found in a video store, hilarious chaos ensues. And despite his best attempts, no one believes that Logan isn't the Handyman! Nongraphic. Rated 'M' for suggestive themes.


**The Handyman**

Logan casually ate another mouthful of cereal as his eyes scanned the morning paper. He had no lessons timetabled for it was the weekend and was absently considering what he could do later on as he read over the sports section. The atmosphere was peaceful in the quiet kitchen, the sounds of birdsong chirruped in through the open window, of which bathed the kitchen in warm morning light. He was always the first to rise in the mansion, and often ate his breakfast alone. Others would start trickling in when he was finishing off. The only other who dared to wake so early was Storm, so Logan was unsurprised when she walked into the kitchen.

"Mornin'," he grunted without looking at her, going silent as he took another spoonful of breakfast.

She didn't reply, instead seating herself in front of him and giving him an appraising look. Belatedly, Logan looked up at her in question, chewing slowly on his cereal. "How much do you know about porn?" she asked.

Logan gagged on his cornflakes and promptly began hitting his chest heavily to clear his windpipe. Eyes watering, he stared blearily at Storm. "What?" he said hoarsely. It was barely 8am, he hadn't finished his breakfast, and Storm was asking questions about porn. It was so very wrong. Had he entered an alternate dimension?

"Porn," repeated Storm, watching him.

"Jesus, woman. What kind of question is that?" he asked, lowering his spoon back into his bowl. In all honestly, he had occasionally flicked onto a late night channel when he was staying in various motels, but he would hardly consider himself an expert in the matter. In response, Storm placed a video down on the table before him, and he didn't need to even read the title to tell him what it was. "'Ro.. why the hell do you have a porn video?"

"I.. – that is irrelevant," she said quickly, staring at him.

Logan raised an eyebrow at her.

Gesturing the video, she continued. "I found it," she added, which was partly true. Last night she had taken some of the children down to the local video store so they could rent their Friday night movie, and she had stumbled upon the adult section. However, this video had caught her eye.

"You found it," repeated Logan dryly, picking it up and studying the cover.

Storm suddenly spoke up what he was thinking. "It's you."

He quickly looked up at her. "What? No! 'Ro, you need to calm down your lil' fantasies. That ain't me."

"It looks like you."

"That don't mean it _is_ me."

Storm snatched the video off him, glared at the cover before she shoved it back into his hand. "It's you."

"Ok, ok," said Logan quickly. "Hypothetically speaking, and I _mean_ hypothetically speaking, if that guy is me, why the hell are you so concerned?"

Storm eyed him, wondering if this was a trick question. "I wanted to know if it was you or not. I mean, did you even do any adult films?"

"What?" said Logan quickly. "Hell, no. Storm, c'mon!" He ran a hand through his hair agitatedly, "At least, I don't think I did.. I can't remember."

"Exactly," she said, nodding impressively. "You look exactly like the man on the front, and you don't exactly age quickly. This looks pretty old, about forty years or so. It could easily be you."

"If we assume I did things like that," said Logan darkly, glowering at her. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, 'Ro."

Storm looked a little uncomfortable. "It just got my attention."

"Look, forget about it, take it back wherever the hell you found it and let's not talk about it again, ok?"

At this point, Scott and Jean walked into the kitchen, greeting the pair sat nearby. Jean yawned quietly, moving to seat herself at the table. "Logan's been in a porn film," said Storm conversationally as the redhead joined them. Scott almost dropped the mug he was pulling out of the cupboard.

"What?" said Jean, all traces of sleepiness vanishing as she stared at Storm.

Logan groaned into his hand. So much for forgetting about its existence. "We don't know that."

"Look," said Storm, ignoring Logan as she showed Jean the video. "I found it last night when I went to get the film for the students."

Jean began to observe the cover, giving a delighted but shocked laugh. "It's Logan!"

Scott craned his head round so fast his neck cricked. "Jean, don't you be getting any ideas," he said, moving over and rubbing his neck. He looked at the cover over Jean's shoulder. "Hey, it _is_ Logan."

"It's a naked Logan," corrected Jean, as she nodded. "Actually, you've got quite a big – "

"Stop it!" exclaimed Logan, snatching the video out of her hands. "It looks like me, that's all!"

Jean smirked towards him as he clung onto the video case possessively. "Is that your identical twin brother, then?"

Storm and Scott laughed quietly at this, earning them a fierce glare from Logan. "You're all so immature.."

"We should watch it, find out," suggested Jean casually, resting her chin on her hand as she smiled innocently.

"No, we should not," scowled Logan.

Scott eyed Jean, "Yeah, its not exactly proper. We're a school.."

"We'll do it when the kids have gone to bed."

"Do what when the kids have gone to bed?" asked Rogue as she walked into the kitchen. She rubbed her eyes blearily, not an early riser. There was a mad scramble on the table for the video to be hidden, ending with Storm catching it and shoving it onto her lap, hiding it under the table. Rogue stopped and stared at the momentary frenzy to hide something. "Right.."

Jean looked round, smiling brightly, "Good morning, Rogue. Scott's just making us some coffee, want some?"

"Yeah.." said Rogue in a dubious tone, eyeing the older X-Men before she walked further into the room and took a seat between Logan and Storm. Logan had gone back to eating his breakfast without looking at anyone, not even Rogue. Storm had taken to reading the paper and hiding her face behind it. Rogue eyed them all in turn once more before she leant out and grabbed the item from Storm's lap. Storm yelped, Logan jumped and Rogue procured the video. Lifting it to her line of sight, she read aloud without quite realising the content. "The Handyman." Her eyes drifted further down, "He's good with.. his hands?" She blinked, eyes happening on the naked man on the front and she quickly placed it on the table, red-faced. "Forget the coffee," she muttered, standing and making a sharp exit.

Calm as anything, Logan stood to his feet, walking over to the large metal fridge and promptly banging his head against it several times. Composed, he turned and left, leaving a dint in the fridge door.

"Aw, Charles isn't going to like that."

* * *

Logan had done a good job of avoiding people for most of the day. Probably because he had returned to his room and locked himself in for over sixteen hours. He decided it was safe to leave at the midnight hour drew closer, and he crept quietly down the corridor in search of a beer. Returning to the dark, silent kitchen, he helped himself to one of the cold beverages out of the fridge, of which still held his imprint. Uncapping it, he took a swig, meandering out and down the corridor. He enjoyed travelling the corridors at night. Deserted and dark, he felt oddly peaceful.

He had only been walking ten minutes when he heard some very strange noises coming from the recreation room. Moving slowly to the archway of the room, he peered inside, worst fears confirmed when he saw figures grouped around the television, of which was emitting said noises. There was a disgusted noise from one of the viewers, followed by titters of laughter. Logan squinted his eyes as he watched the people sat on the couches, attempting to sniff them out. Storm, Jean, Rogue, Jubilee, Kitty and to his horror, Scott were all sat watching the porn movie Storm had acquired.

"Oh, seriously.." he heard Jubilee mutter. He kept his head poking around the edge of the archway to watch as he, no, someone who looked like him, walked into the kitchen wearing the most ridiculous outfit a plumber would ever adorn. Dungarees were worn, leaving the chest shirtless to make the most of the thick, muscular torso.

"_I've come to mend your pipes,"_ said the man on the television, this alone sending the women into fits of hysterical laughter.

The woman who had been making the bizarre noises, by herself, no less, turned to survey the apparent plumber.

"This is so sick," Scott muttered into his hand. "I don't want to see Logan naked, please, can we turn this off."

"Go to bed if you don't like it!" said Jean, eyes not moving from the television screen.

But Scott didn't seem ready to leave his fiancé alone with a porn video containing Logan. "Jean.." he said weakly, then being shushed by Kitty.

"I wanna see Logan naked," Rogue commented absently, this remark earning her some stares before Storm tilted her head.

"Actually, she's got a point," she agreed, before the pair went back to intently watching.

Scott sunk into the couch slowly, bringing the cushion over his face as things began to get heated very fast. Logan stared at the television, the longer he watched the more he was getting convinced it was actually him. But his memory still drew blanks. He was aware that tomorrow morning the news of this would be all over the mansion.

"Right, that's it, turn it off," said Logan as he abandoned pretence and stomped into the living room.

"Oh, look, the handyman's here," said Scott sarcastically and the women fell about in peals of laughter. Logan grabbed the remote from the chair arm and began pressing buttons in a bid to try and turn it off. He never used the television and had no idea of how to turn it off or stop the tape. His thumb hit the volume button and within seconds the repetitive, fake groaning was bellowing through the mansion and causing the women there to scream with gut-aching laughter. Even Scott couldn't help but smirk.

Logan's face blanched and he ran towards the television, considering sending his foot through the screen before he instead hit the button on the front and the rather graphic scene disappeared to blackness. The mutants behind him were still laughing, Jubilee had almost fallen off the couch, holding her stomach as she gasped for air. "This.. does not leave this room," said Logan, tone trembling as he stared at the group.

"Wolvie, I think everyone just heard that," said Jubilee, the nickname causing Logan's eye to twitch.

"Don't worry Logan," said Jean, who was still chuckling as her laughter subsided. "Storm will take it back tomorrow."

"Must I?" asked Storm, laughing.

Logan glared at her, "Yes! This is your fault in the first place!"

"Oh, cool it, sugar," said Rogue placidly. "We're only havin' some fun."

"Fun?" spluttered Logan, pointing at the television behind him. "That ain't fun!"

Scott tilted his head, "Oh? You seemed to be enjoying yourself judging from the sounds you were making."

"I wasn't enjoying myself," Logan growled.

"Oh! So you admit it was you!" said Jean, laughter starting up again.

Logan smacked his forehead with the remote, groaning quietly as the women continued to giggle. "I'm goin' to bed." He then chucked the remote at Scott, turning and stalking out of the room, downing over half of his beer in the process.

"You got nothin' to be ashamed of, Logan, just so you know," called Rogue helpfully.

Logan hesitated in the doorway, smirking a little as he glanced back. "Oh, no. I know that darlin'," and he sauntered off back down the corridor.

* * *

A total random plot bunny inspired by a bloodytear89's pondering if Logan had even been in a porn video! After that, I just couldn't resist! Drop a review!


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